Friday, November 18, 2011
I am sitting here today with so many thoughts running through my head. Today we will meet with Dr. Zollinger and discuss the next step in helping Bryce. I guess if I had to choose one word for the way I am feeling it would be "lost." Not knowing if the step we take with be for the better or worse. If we choose medication and it back fires, then my son might get worse. If we choose not to do medication and just therapy, how long will it take for Bryce to get better? Although I know God has an amazing plan for Bryce, I know God knows the outcome of this confusing time, I am still so confused. I am his mother, the one that God chose to protect him, to teach him, to heal him. I feel like I am losing. I feel like a horrible mother. Ryan gets so upset that I blame myself for this, but I can't help it, that is just how us humans react. I go over and over in my head, what if I would of stayed home from the beginning? What if I would of spent more time with him as child? I could go on all day with more "what if's", but it won't help. Nothing does. I literally have to make my mind turn another direction.
I know that every parent out there, or most anyway could tell you that they love their child more than any other parent in the world. It is so true. I love Bryce more than I could of ever imagined loving my children. When I was kid I could not wait to become a mother. I even bought baby clothes as a teenager because I knew someday I would have a little one. When Ryan and I decided to get married we did it because we wanted children, and we knew that was the right way to do it. Of course we wanted to be husband and wife, but we had already lived together for 5 years, we were already "married" in most ways. I wanted to have everything perfect for a new little person in our life, so I went to the doctor about a month before our wedding to get checked out. There I was given the news that I never expected to hear....I might not be able to get pregnant! Really? Of all the people out there having children and the Lord was going to deny me this? Well I wasn't giving up, I decided I would take fertility drugs to help better my chance. I tend to think God knew the mistake he had made by telling me I couldn't have my dream, because 45 days after our wedding, I was pregnant! So you see many people are so happy when they get pregnant, it is a wonderful thing. But for me, it was the greatest blessing. Bryce is my blessing. Bryce is my miracle. My sweet 6 year old son is the greatest gift God has given me. I also believe that having Bryce allowed my body to get pregnant 3 times after him. Two babies of course are my angels in heaven, then 1 little boy is currently dancing in my living room right now.
Bryce is more to me than just my child. Bryce is my entire world. I want so much for that little boy. I want life to be easy for him. I want him to not be afraid. I just want the best for him.
Thanks for listening.